You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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