Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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