I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
