youre lurking in front of me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
