I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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