When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
