I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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