I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
