White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This is my gift to your gina
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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