i wish starbucks made bloody marys
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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