It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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