my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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