my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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