Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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