Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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