just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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