the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
