She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
