sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Randomize
