So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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