I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
