obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
