im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
