can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
