I think my fart just growled at me.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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