pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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