Swine flu. Run for my life!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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