I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
