So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
