Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
