do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
