So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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