he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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