and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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