Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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