i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
