Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
