when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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