Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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