A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
