Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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