I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
