Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
