my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize