A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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