Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
