the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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