I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
