you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
