Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
