There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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