Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize