NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
