..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
