i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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