I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
