Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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