hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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