Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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