Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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