FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
