im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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