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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
from now on my penis is your penis
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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