dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
